Sunday, April 12, 2009

Tales from Megaconglomeration, Inc.’s Smallest Division. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. The 2pm Meeting

The pre-meeting meeting was already going strong in the Rec Room, a full hour before the real meeting.

“You mean he threw out the entire product line? Everything we’ve published since the takeover?” asked Jim from Creative. Jim was a worrier, and beads of sweat were already forming on his forehead.

“Yup. And the fucker threw it all in the recycle bin for white paper. We have the interns going through the garbage now. We’ll put the books down here on the shelves later,” said Heather from Facilities. Heather was furiously twirling the chain normally attacked to her wallet. Never a good sign. Her co-workers knew to give her a wide berth when she’s in that kind of mood.

“Yeah, and poor Molly did something to her shoulder lugging that thing down the hall. And she lost her health insurance with the last round of cutbacks and layoffs,” said Patrick from R&D.

Several others groaned in understanding. No doctor’s visit for Molly.

“What do we know about this guy, anyhow?” said Jason. Jason wasn’t “from” anywhere. He just started hanging around the office during high school. That was 11 years ago. Somehow, over the years, he managed to get a swipey card and an email account, as well as a cubicle.

“Standard MBA type guy,” said Will from IT. All eyes turned to the office’s top “get the dirt” guy. Will fancied himself as some sort of CIA analyst. Always reading spy novels, and generally looking secretive. “Though he likely has less of a clue than the last one, because he’s a Yalie.”

More groans from around the room. Most of the top guys at Mega were Ivy Leaguers, so they knew what they were in for.

“Well, at least we can bring back Buzzword Bingo!” said Stephen, from the Reception Desk, the office’s eternal optimist.

“He’s worked with various product lines in Megaconglomeration,” continued Will. “From old lady diapers, anal thermometers, hemorrhoidal creams to foot fungal powders, he has been around for a while.”

“Why him, though?” asked Jim, sweat building on the tip of his nose. Three people were watching it intently, waiting for it to drop.

“Well,” said Will, “my sources tell me that his boss was going on vacation, and forgot that he needed to appoint someone to fill the vacancy. So he decided on the 4th of July to make some calls. He got out his corporate directory, and looked for everyone who was at least a Director or Assistant VP. He called over 150 people, but since it was the 4th of July, no one was in the office. Since he was going alphabetically, it took a while to get to Small. My sources tell me that Small was in the office stealing plastic cups for his own personal picnic.”

Heather growled and swirled the chain faster.

“Anyhow,” said will, taking another step away from Heather, “he heard his phone ring and answered it. Because he was the only one who answered it, he got the job.”

“Jesus Christ,” said Jason. “Has he ever even rolled a 20-sider?”

“Unknown,” answered Will.

“Well, said Heather, “I found these, the good luck dice left to him as a gift, in the shredder garbage pail!”

Gasps were heard all around the room.